Transcript of Videotaped Watkins Glen Police Interrogation

Originally Posted on foxsports.com on August 15, 2007.

A brown paper wrapped package arrived via FedEx today. Inside was the following transcript.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

(View of a room with three chairs and a table. Sounds of people moving down the hall. A man in khaki shorts and black belt enters followed by a uniformed officer and another man in street clothing).

(Man in street clothes): My name is Detective Bart Fife.

(Uniformed Officer): And I'm Deputy R.P. Coltrane.

BF: We want to talk to you about the incident at the track.

Man: I don't know about an incident at the track.

BF: We'll get to that. What is your name?

Man: I'm not telling you.

BF: I Said, What is your name?

Man: Neener, Neener, Neener. (Hands over ears) I can't hear you.

RPC: You suppose it's in his wallet?

BF: Oh, Yeah. I was just getting to that.

RPC: It says Richard C. Ranium.

BF: Ok, Dick. Tell me about the incident at the track.

RR: What are you talking about?

RPC: Oh, come on, the whole world saw you run out to Matt Kenseth's car and try to get an autograph.

BF: What were you thinking?

RPC: How did you get out there?

RR: How do you know it was me? Did you see how many guys were there in khaki shorts?

RPC: How do we know it was him?

BF: Well, there's the fact that we pulled him off the wrong side of the fence after we chased him across the track.

RPC: Forgot about that.

BF: Let's back up a bit. How much did you have to drink today, Dick?

RR: A few.

RPC: A Few 12 packs?

RR: No, just 4 beers.

BF: Really?

RR: Four 40 oz beers.

BF: OK. Did you really think Kenseth would give you an autograph in the middle of a race?

RR: He was just sitting there. Wasn't doing anything.

BF: It was the Middle of a race! What were you going to do with it?

RR: Probably sell it on E-Bay.

RPC: How much would that get?

RR: Maybe a lot, since people saw it on TV. Hey, what are you charging me with?

BF: Give us a minute.

(BF and RPC step to the side of the room. The following discussion occurs there).

RPC: Do you really think the autograph would be worth that much? Maybe we can forfeit the hat and sell it on E-bay. It'd be better than selling Policemen Ball tickets.

BF: Maybe. You know, we may need to interview Kenseth about this. His car owner too. Do you think they'll be grateful enough to sign a few things for us? My daughter is a rabid Carl Edwards fan.

RPC: Sounds like a good idea to me. Kenseth's wife is hot. Do you think she'll be with him?

BF: Dick, I think we're about done here. The charges are criminal trespass and endangerment of others.

RR: How was I endangering anyone?

RPC: Well, you were out there on the track, it could've hurt a driver.

RR: In the car? With a helmet on? With a Hans device? Are you kidding me? (Fife & Coltrane lift him up from his chair and start dragging him out of the room).

BF: Well, you were a danger to yourself. That should count for something.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

So You're a Race Car Driver? Crash on Over to Nascar

Originally posted on foxsports.com on August 13, 2007.

AJ Foyt did it. So did Mario Andretti. And most recently Tony Stewart. They made it look easy. Like anyone who could put on a helmet was talented enough to make it big.

Make it big in Nascar.

Get the wreckers ready. It's raining potential Rookie Drivers.

This year, Juan Pablo Montoya switched from CART to F-1 to Nascar. He's taken alot of criticism, but he's on track to be rookie of the year. (Remember the term "rookie"? Losely translated, it means "Crashes a lot.").

Joining JPM was AJ Allmindenger, who hasn't been as fortunate in qualifying, but still manages to crash on occasion. Allmendinger transferred from Champ Car to Nascar.

But waiting in the wings is an open wheel tidal wave, the likes of which Nascar hasn't seen for, well, decades. Fabricators around the garage are loving the job security on the horizon.

Sam Hornish Jr and Dan Wheldon, both Indy 500 winners, drive in the IRL for owners who field Nascar teams. Neither has made a secret of their aspirations to the stock car universe. Penske has allowed Hornish to drive a few Busch races. While Wheldon hasn't attempted a stock car race yet, his name pops up every year during silly season as a possible candidate. In preparation for their Nascar rookie year, these two have taken to crashing each other out of their current series. Not to be out done, Danica Patrick, who eyed Nascar last year during her contract talks, attempted to take the safety vehicle out in her crash.

Meanwhile, displaced Formula One drivers are looking to break into Nascar. Jacque Villeneuve is shopping a ride, even though he has "retired" from F-1. Scott Speed, who was crashed against a wall in a physical spat with his F-1 owner, is likely to drive for Red Bull in Nascar.

The Newman/Haas/Yates merger opens the door for Champ Car drivers. If Sebastian Bourdais finds F-1 too stoggy for his tastes, he can slip into a Ford any time.

This list doesn't even take into account the open wheel drivers who are waiting in support series (with development deals) to get into Nascar's top series: Tim McCreadie, Josh Wise, Bryan Clauson, Brady Bacon, and Kevin Swindell.

Add these names to the "displaced" and non-qualifying Nascar drivers of Sterling Marlin, Joe Nemechek, Boris Said, Patrick Carpentier, John Andretti, Regan Smith, Dale Jarrett, Michael Waltrip, Kenny Wallace, Mike Wallace, and Ricky Craven.

Nascar has 43 starting spots. And a crop of drivers anxious to get their shot at the top. Let's hope their learning curve is more like Stewart, and less like the typical rookie.

Bursting the Bubble: Nascar Ratings Significantly Down. Now What?

Originally Posted on foxsports.com on August 13, 2007.

The numbers are in, and it isn't pretty for Nascar. The highly touted, much ballyhooed TV deal has resulted in FEWER people watching Nascar races each week.

USA Today reports that Nextel Cup Sunday races are averaging 4.6% of US households. This number is down 9% from 2006 and plummetting a whopping 20% from 2005. For a race by race breakdown, visit Jayski.com. Busch series viewership is down 11% this year alone. USA Today columnist Michael Hiestand points out that the MLB and NBA have games on nearly every day of the week on various networks so their number represent a portion of their viewership pie, unlike Nascar, which is a one shot per week deal.

The steep declines in viewership should be causing the networks, Nascar and sponors to scramble to the doors of every diehard fan to ask "Why did this happen?" and "What can we do to fix this?"

Since my address and phone number are unlisted, and I doubt Mike Helton is perusing this blog, I'll attempt to answer primarily the second question, as I've written about the first issue before - here.

First, many fans are utilizing other forms of media. Direct TV Hotpass, Nascar.com's TrackPass and radio leap to mind. As I am not a big fan of the announcers on ESPN, I tend to listen to the team scanner via either Hotpass of TrackPass. These numbers would not be accounted for in the TV ratings. This trend to alternate media should be encouraged, but know that some fans will prefer it to the old TV set.

Second, stop hawking the Chase early in the season. I, for one, am tired of hearing about it incessantly during a race. This is one reason why I turn on the scanner. Give me a graphic at the end of the race to show how many points positions 13 through 20 are out of the Chase, and that would do it. I don't need an in-race point total until Richmond, which by the way is still several races away.

Third, give the fans their favorites. If you are not a Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, Tony Stewart or Dale Earnhardt Jr fan, you have likely permanently turned off your TV. Those appear to be the only four guys covered by the broadcasters. Recognize that these are the most popular guys in the grandstands, but let us know how Jeff Burton, Matt Kenseth, Elliott Sadler, and Kyle Petty are running. There is no excuse for not running through the field every half hour, and if you've already discussed them due to a problem, crash or feature, move on (this means I shouldn't hear a peep about JG, JJ, DEJr or TS during the full-field).

Fourth, the tech guys are about as helpful as Iowa directions. Which is a nice way of saying, they are not helpful at all. Let's say you, who have never been to Iowa, want to find the farm I grew up on. Ask a local and you will be told something along the lines of: "Well, it's a few miles out, past the Schmidt place. You've gone too far if you go past Ole Red's." Nevermind "Schmidt" is as common as "Smith" out here, and Ole Red has been dead since 1957. That lost feeling is what happens everytime they try to simplify some technical issue. And I'm fairly mechanically inclined. Really.

Fifth, get a fact checker and USE them. You have a major problem when most of your audience KNOWS you just made a huge blunder. And you appear oblivious to it. For the rest of the broadcast. Ignoring it won't make it go away. The simple errors are inexcusable. The complex ones should be infrequent. When I hear a big error in the supposed "fact guy's" analysis, I begin to doubt and distrust the next thing he has to say. Eventually, this leads to turning off the TV.

Sixth, Enough with the commercials. I watch the race to watch the race. Ads are plastered all over the cars, walls, teams, and grass. Commentators talk about the "Sponsored" run-down or in-race camera. As if this marketing deluge weren't enough, I am then subject to five minutes of commercials. Cut back to 3 minutes of racing. Then another 5 minutes of racing. That many commercials just gives fans time to switch to another channel - and not come back. The highlights are shown without commercial interruption.

Nascar is losing TV viewers. It needs to do something to keep the ones they have, and maybe coax back a few turned off fans.

Knoxville Nationals: Rain, Repeats & Rumors

Originally posted on foxsports.com on August 12, 2007.

I'm back from my week at the Knoxville Nationals. Only 365 days til the next one!

It is hard to explain to a non-sprint car fan or non-dirt racing fan what the experience is like.

Like a week long tailgating party before a college football game.

Like Speedweeks at Daytona, except you actually SEE the drivers out and about.

Like the SuperBowl, but you can get tickets to stand on the sideline - for only $20 more than the reserved seat.

Knoxville is a town of about 7,500 and during the Nationals, parking rules don't apply. Front lawns become high dollar motorhome parking lots complete with satellite dishes, air conditioning and golf carts. Showers are available at the middle school or from whatever generous homeowner will let you in their door.

Merchandise trailers for everything from sponsors, drivers, magazines, and new products are parked all over town. Semis with trailers are parked in hotel parking lots, where teams pull out their cars and wrench on them right there. Walmart is cluttered not with motorhomes, but racing rigs who have two or three sprint cars in various stages of assembly strewn everywhichway.

Crowds of fans swarm across streets to food vendors. Drivers host autograph sessions, historians meet to discuss past drivers, races, and racetracks; and promoters from all over converge to watch the spectacle.

What everyone wants to see is great side-by-side racing on a 1/2 mile dirt track.

Every driver wants to get to the Saturday Night A Main. Getting there is a complex system of points gathering based on passing, qualifying times, finishes in heats and luck. This year, rain added a chicane to the program when the Wednesday night program was rained out. The fix was this: Thursday stayed Thursday, Friday became Wednesday + part of Friday's program; Saturday featured Friday's last chance races and the "Main Event" at its regular time. Confused? So were many fans, trying to figure out which ticket to bring to the track!

Winning the Nationals brings a lot of prestige in the sport, and puts you in the company of legends like Jan Opperman, Doug Wolfgang, Steve Kinser, and Sammy Swindell. Doug Wolfgang, who at times has generated controversy, had a homecoming of sorts at the Nationals. His autobiography, with Dave Argabright, was released this week. Doug & Dave had several autograph sessions, and were swamped with fans. The hot souvenir of the week was a signed copy of "Lone Wolf." (No, I haven't finished reading mine yet.).

Saturday night, Donny Schatz put his name again in the record books, defending his win last year by winning his Second Knoxville Nationals. That's Schatz ( in the yellow car) taking a parade lap with Paul McMahon. Steve Kinser is behind Schatz and Joey Saldana is behind McMahon.

With all the sprint car teams in town, rumors fly around town faster than a lap at the track. The rumor of the week was that Tony Stewart was buying Knoxville. As the track is owned by the county, this was one that those "in the know" laughed about all week. Added to the rumor was that Jerry Springer was going to be the new announcer. Odds are the rumor started at Dingus, the pub at turn one, during one of the rain delays.

The second rumor was one that was actually true: Tony Stewart is adding another car to his World of Outlaws team. The second team? Donny Schatz, the winner of this year's Nationals and last year's WoO champion. Schatz will join Paul McMahon at Tony Stewart Racing. The rumor that Tony was adding a team was not new, but who that team was, made news.

Miller Lite Sportswriter Challenge: My Point? Tweak the Current Point System

Originally posted on foxsports.com on August 5, 2007.

When Matt Kensethcaptured the 2003 (then) Winston Cup Championship, he pulled it off with just one win and a substantial point lead due to consistent finishes.

Commentators were flabbergasted at a one win Champ. Fans snoozed through the final races because the Champion was a foregone conclusion by mid-fall.

Kenseth ignored the criticism all the way to the bank, but Nascar Chairman Brian France responded with a new Championship format and title sponsor - the Chase for the Nextel Cup.

The Chase didn't change one thing: Consistency is the touchstone of Nascar success.

Winning is secondary to not screwing up. Case in point: Tony Stewart. In 2005, at Homestead, Stewart methodically but conservatively drove, as a wreck would dash his Championship dreams.

In contrast, as non-Chase driver in 2006, Stewart drove like a man possessed. Gambling on fuel at Kansas, Stewart remarked that he had nothing to lose but the race.

The current point system means most fans can't apply the points on the fly after a race. Realistically, under any formula, fans won't be able to easily calculate them. This isn't due to a lack of intelligence, rather, keeping tabs on 43+ teams through thirty-six races is less important, than, say, remembering e-mail account passwords and the spouse's and kids' birthdays.

Nascar can fix the snooze factor, inspire hard charging drives throughout the entire season, and simplify the math with a few easy changes.

During the First 26 Races:

1. "Current scheme" of earning points applies with two changes:

Winner receives 50 additional points., or a total of 235.

Pole sitter receives 10 points.

2. The day prior to the race at race time, qualify all cars, placing the fastest 43 cars in the field. No provisionals. Call it "Put-Up or Shut-Up."

3. Teams have two mulligans. Whether used for races where they failed qualify, for DNFs, for driver injuries or for vacations, the points (or lack thereof) would not count toward the season ending totals. In other words, each team's top 24 points-accumulating races count. The idea is to lessen the impact of not qualifying, mechanical failure or crashing out of the race. Gives Nascar room to penalize.

During the Chase:

1. Chase teams (the top 12 teams in points after the fall Richmond Race) have provisionals for the final 10 races. As the Chasers are racing each other and have arbitrarily elevated point totals to 5,000, the highest place finisher among the twelve receives 120 points. Ten points less for each finisher after that. Last place finisher among Chasers gets 10 points, whether he finishes dead last in the field or he finishes 12th.

2. Non-Chase teams accrue points under "current scheme."

3. Five bonus points each for leading a lap and most laps still apply.

4. A win is worth an extra 50 points.

While this system encourages teams to qualify well and race to the checkers, it still rewards consistency.

It is, after all, a season championship.

Dear Mr. Foyt, Please Stay Off the Bulldozer

Originally posted on foxsports.com on August 3, 2007.

Dear Mr. Foyt,

I'm a big fan. When I think of your wins, I am impressed: four Indianapolis 500s, the Daytona 500, LeMans, Rolex 24 hour, numerous sprint car and dirt track trophies.

I can't imagine how you survived all those years in racing. You manhandled cars to Victory Lane at the times when the sport was its most dangerous.

I know you didn't escape unscathed from those wrecks you did have, and I'm sure your legs in particular give you problems from time to time.

You are now 72 years old: Legendary for working on your own cars, even though you had cracker-jack crews to do it for you. But enough, is enough.

This last episode with the bulldozer should be your last! Didn't you learn anything two years ago this August when you bulldozed that bees nest? I'd think 200 beestings at one time would leave an impression.

Apparently your grit won out, and you were again on the bulldozer on your Texas property. And this time, the machine caused the lake bank to cave in and flip the bulldozer over. With you still inside.

Thank God for the "safety equipment" of a steel cage surrounding the cab. Otherwise, this would likely be a eulogy, not a plea to stop messing around with heavy equipment.

Fortunately, you crawled out of the cab, swam though the water (guess the legs aren't that bad), and refused to go to the hospital.

Mr. Foyt, we don't have many racing legends of your caliber. Please stop using that bulldozer. At least in August. On your property .

I'm beginning to think you'd be safer back IN a race car than in that dozer.

Your Iowa fan.

What I'm doing for my Summer Vacation

Originally Posted on August 2, 2007 on foxsports.com

August in Iowa means 90+ degree temperatures, 100% humidity, sweet corn, the Iowa State Fair, the start of school, and the Knoxville Nationals.

Sigh... I love living here.

The Knoxville Nationals is a four day winged sprint car extravaganza, which draws 40,000 fans to a normally sedate rural community in central Iowa.

During the rest of the year, Knoxville boasts a population of approximately 7,500 people. The Nationals brings every sprint car fan and his brother to watch the best dirt track racers try to win the $190,000 winner's prize.

Wednesday and Thursday are qualifying nights which set the field for Saturday's Finale. Friday night grants non-qualifiers a last chance to get into the Saturday Mains.

During the days, the crowds mingle at the trade show, or venture out to a go-kart track to race. Some drivers bring their young children to race in the local English Creek Speedway Nationals during the afternoons.

Food is plentiful, as venders hawk homemade pie a la mode, grilled turkey breast, gyros, pizza, brats, and beer.

My favorite events (aside from the racing) occur in the National Sprint Car Hall of Fame and Museum. Every year, the Museum hosts a racing personality in a discussion. This year the legendary Doug Wolfgang will be discussing his new book with Dave Argabright. The annual auction to raise funds for the museum will be held on Saturday. I try to volunteer as much time as I can to spend in the museum (and not just because it is air conditioned!). I enjoy talking to the "old timers" who watched Foyt, Kinser, Swindell and Wolfgang race back in the day. Plus, most of the teams, their families, and the fans cycled through.

Last year, I learned: that they race sprint cars in Hawaii (guess I hadn't thought about it); that the captains of industry like sprint cars; that Kasey Kahne looks just as cute in person (and no one recognizes him here) and that Tony Stewart shops at Walmart (who knew?).

What other week in the world would I have the chance to see Kasey Kahne race a winged sprint car on Monday, JJ Yeley race an open wheel sprint car on Tuesday, Tony Stewart "foyt" on a car for his driver Paul McMahon on Thursday, and top it off with a Lasoski-Kinser-Saldana-Schatz-McCarl battle to the checkered flag on Saturday?

So, I'm taking off next week to spend at the dirt track.

Yes, I love the Knoxville Nationals.