A brown paper wrapped package arrived via FedEx today. Inside was the following transcript.
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
(View of a room with three chairs and a table. Sounds of people moving down the hall. A man in khaki shorts and black belt enters followed by a uniformed officer and another man in street clothing).
(Man in street clothes): My name is Detective Bart Fife.
(Uniformed Officer): And I'm Deputy R.P. Coltrane.
BF: We want to talk to you about the incident at the track.
Man: I don't know about an incident at the track.
BF: We'll get to that. What is your name?
Man: I'm not telling you.
BF: I Said, What is your name?
Man: Neener, Neener, Neener. (Hands over ears) I can't hear you.
RPC: You suppose it's in his wallet?
BF: Oh, Yeah. I was just getting to that.
RPC: It says Richard C. Ranium.
BF: Ok, Dick. Tell me about the incident at the track.
RR: What are you talking about?
RPC: Oh, come on, the whole world saw you run out to Matt Kenseth's car and try to get an autograph.
BF: What were you thinking?
RPC: How did you get out there?
RR: How do you know it was me? Did you see how many guys were there in khaki shorts?
RPC: How do we know it was him?
BF: Well, there's the fact that we pulled him off the wrong side of the fence after we chased him across the track.
RPC: Forgot about that.
BF: Let's back up a bit. How much did you have to drink today, Dick?
RR: A few.
RPC: A Few 12 packs?
RR: No, just 4 beers.
BF: Really?
RR: Four 40 oz beers.
BF: OK. Did you really think Kenseth would give you an autograph in the middle of a race?
RR: He was just sitting there. Wasn't doing anything.
BF: It was the Middle of a race! What were you going to do with it?
RR: Probably sell it on E-Bay.
RPC: How much would that get?
RR: Maybe a lot, since people saw it on TV. Hey, what are you charging me with?
BF: Give us a minute.
(BF and RPC step to the side of the room. The following discussion occurs there).
RPC: Do you really think the autograph would be worth that much? Maybe we can forfeit the hat and sell it on E-bay. It'd be better than selling Policemen Ball tickets.
BF: Maybe. You know, we may need to interview Kenseth about this. His car owner too. Do you think they'll be grateful enough to sign a few things for us? My daughter is a rabid Carl Edwards fan.
RPC: Sounds like a good idea to me. Kenseth's wife is hot. Do you think she'll be with him?
BF: Dick, I think we're about done here. The charges are criminal trespass and endangerment of others.
RR: How was I endangering anyone?
RPC: Well, you were out there on the track, it could've hurt a driver.
RR: In the car? With a helmet on? With a Hans device? Are you kidding me? (Fife & Coltrane lift him up from his chair and start dragging him out of the room).
BF: Well, you were a danger to yourself. That should count for something.
END OF TRANSCRIPT
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