Intercepted Nascar Emails

Originally Posted on Foxsports on September 26, 2007.


Saturday, September 1, 2007 7:48:02 a.m.
Kyle - Just a quick note about the Toyota thing.  Please, Please, Please don't mention it again.  We want to do a big roll out, and we're concerned about how your current employer and the other Chevy guys will take it.  We'd like to win a Championship, and I'm sure you personally would too.  Let's not sink the ship before it's time.  Give me a call if you have any questions.   J.D.
PS - DO NOT MENTION THE M&M DEAL!!!
PPS - If this is the worst thing you ever do, it's no big deal.  I mean, we've dealt with Tony for how long?!?

Sunday, September 9, 2007 5:02:34 a.m.
Bro - I don't know what else we can do to help him out.  I mean we added two drivers to the Chase to make it easier for him to get in, and he still doesn't make it.  Ratings will plummet unless he wins a race this year.  Any ideas who the new sponsor will be?  Frankly I think Bud is out of their freaking mind to let him go.  But then again, they're also walking out of the Busch series deal.  Well, this latest debacle has driven me to drink too.  Any luck with the football team plan?  Sis
PS  - Rumor has it that Smith is trying to buy NHIS.  Sucker.  Like we'll let him move another race, especially to  Vegas.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 10:23:58 p.m.
Jade - I know I'm moving on from Budweiser, but do you think they'll keep stocking my cooler?  I won't have a beer or liquor sponsor.   I promise to show up once and a while with an old hat or T-shirt.  Thanks for checking for me.  Junior

Saturday, September 15, 2007 6:33:09 p.m.
Champ - Don't worry about failing to qualify at NHIS.  Sometimes it takes a while to get the hang of qualifying, and there are a lot of fast cars that don't make the show each week.  We'll see if it works to add a race later this season.  RP

Monday, September 17, 2007 1:37:55 a.m.
Clint - Congratulations on the win!!  Once I'm back, we'll celebrate in style - that first win is a big deal.  Earnhardt always wanted to go hunting, but we'll figure out what you'd like to do.  Do you think you'll have time to help Austin out again at the dirt track?   Don't let Harvick talk you into anything!  If all goes well, I should have some yak steak to celebrate with by the end of this week.  Enjoy the sponsor in your victory celebration.  Richard

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 8:30:04 p.m.
Kasey - Congrats on the Bud sponsorship.  It is awesome!  If you enjoy it half as much as I have, you will think you've died and gone to heaven.  I have to say, I'm delighted it didn't stay with my step-mother's company.  Karma, I guess.  Junior
PS - If you happen to have any "extra" Bud, I'd be glad to take it off your hands!

Saturday, September 22, 2007 6:23:22 p.m.
Champ - Don't worry about failing to qualify at NHIS  Dover.  Sometimes it takes a while to get the hang of qualifying, and there are a lot of fast cars that don't make the show each week.  We'll see if it works to add a race later this season.  RP

Sunday, September 23, 2007  11:08:43 p.m.
Hammy,   I told you that regardless what happens on the track, the garage stall is SACRED!  How could you let Kyle walk into your garage stall, flip your visor, and scold you like a toddler?!  Are you a man or a mouse?  I'd never take that from another competitor.  In fact, I've had scuffles with Jeff and Robby Gordon when they tried to walk INTO my garage stall to continue an argument.  You need to work on that - I mean the Petty Golden Boy will hardly even draw a PENALTY for it.  Quit worrying about the anger management courses - they're a breeze.  And it's not like Joe or JD will take you to task for it.  You're a proven winner.  Smoke.

Sunday September 23, 2007 11:10:00 p.m.
Kyle - Denny Hamlin?!?  I mean, can't you talk to someone who needs it like Juan Pablo Montoya?!?   Happy

Sunday, September 23, 2007 11:12:02 p.m.
Muscle Man - Heard about your height problem.  Don't let this get you down - Nascar may take some points, but you can do what I haven't done - win the Championship.  Nascar took a bunch of points from me once, and I lost the Championship.  I always figured it was a way to get back at Jack.  But I think they are over that now.  In any event, I'm calling you out again - keep winning and prove them wrong.  Your car looked great today.  MM

Sunday September 23, 2007 11:15 p.m.
Kyle - Flipping open his visor?  That was classic!  My teammate didn't have any idea what to do about it.  I don't think they'll even touch you with a penalty.  It looked like a father lecturing a son.  Maybe you should try it next weekend on Montoya!  Smoke.

Sunday, September 23, 2007 11:44:17 p.m.
Mr. Petty, Thank you for finally doing to Denny Hamlin what should have been done a long time ago - put him in his place.  He obviously didn't take it well, but he needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.  Thanks again, Kristin Buntain, his ex-girlfriend

Sunday September 23, 2007 11: 48:41
KP - Can we get together and discuss what happened with Hamlin?  I just don't understand what happened there - it would never happen like that in Formula One.  Should I be doing that in the garage when people cause me to crash?  Give me a call.  Thank you.  JPM

What Really Happened to Denny Hamlin's Hand

Originally Posted on May 4, 2006 on Foxsports.com

The News Report:   Joe Gibbs Racing reports that rookie Denny Hamlin gashed open his hand at Lowe's Motor Speedway after testing yesterday.  He was reportedly engaged in a foot race around the hauler when he clipped a piece of chrome causing the injury. Hamlin pointed out that despite the injury, he won the race.  He will be able to race on Saturday.

However, I believe that this story has been cleaned up a bit for the masses. 

Here is what really happened:

Kyle Busch was celebrating his 21st birthday in the victory lane area.  Kyle's brother Kurt and his fiancee Eva Bryan baked Kyle a cake.  Well, actually they bought it at Food Lion. 

During the celebration, Greg Biffle's boxer, Foster, ran into the festivities chased by Nicole Lunders, Biffle's girlfriend.

Foster ran behind Kyle, pushing him face first into the cake.  When Kyle came up out of the cake, he spit cake down the front of Bryan's shirt.  An upset Bryan proceeded to yell at Lunders who had stopped chasing her dog because she was laughing so hard at what had happened.  Naturally, Bryan was even more enraged at all of this, so she grabbed Lunders' hair. 

Humpy Wheeler, the President of Lowe's Motor Speedway, was attending the Busch party.  He was shoved by Lunders and Bryan in their skirmish off of victory lane into Tony Stewart, who was walking by carrying his monkey, MoJo.

Stewart caught Wheeler, but dropped MoJo, who promptly ran off toward the garage area.  MoJo caught up to Foster, and jumped on his back.  Stewart and Lunders, who had extracted herself from Bryan, chased the fleeing animals.  Kurt and Eva ran after Stewart and Lunders because they blamed them for ruining Kyle's party.  Kyle, meanwhile, was crying inconsolably in victory lane.

As Stewart and Lunders crossed the first garage, they ran into Kevin and DeLana Harvick and knocked them down.  Stewart yelled apologies and commented that Kurt Busch was chasing him.  Harvick had barely gotten back on his feet when Kurt Busch ran into the garage.   Harvick, upset that DeLana's white pants had gotten oil and grease on them, body slammed Busch as he attempted to run by.  When Busch tried to get up, Harvick grabbed his ear and wouldn't let him.  Eva decided DeLana could hurt her, and instead suggested that they go shopping for a new shirts and pants.

Foster and MoJo continued toward the Joe Gibbs Racing Haulers.  The crew members from the three teams had been packing up to leave.  Denny Hamlin was talking to Greg Zipadelli.  Stewart, who was getting tired, Lunders, Foster and MoJo ran by.  Stewart stopped, collapsed and gasped for breath.  He pleaded for help catching MoJo.  Zipadelli declined as he was watching his son and  daughter, but Hamlin agreed to give pursuit. 

Foster ran over to the #8 hauler, looking for Dale Jr's dog, Killer.  Apparently not finding what he was looking for, he ran on through the garage and then turned back to the Gibbs haulers.

As Foster raced by the Gibbs Hauler, MoJo jumped off his back.  MoJo saw a DLP HD TV playing a video clip of Stewart, so MoJo naturally tried to jump into the televised Stewart's arms.  At this point, Kyle Busch was stumbling around, still upset, trying to find his team.

MoJo's delusion became apparent when he pulled the TV out of its mounting and off the pitbox it was located on.   All this occurred as Kyle walked by.   

Hamlin tried to catch the TV and shoved Kyle out of the way, but the TV  gashed open his hand instead.  And the huge TV landed squarely on Kyle Busch's left foot.   MoJo lost his footing and landed on Kyle's head, screeching.

Stewart, having recovered somewhat from his run, grabbed MoJo and began lecturing Busch on how he was celebrating his 21st birthday in an irresponsible manner.  Or at least, Stewart was until he saw the blood from Hamlin's hand and fainted. 

Kasey Kahne had been watching in amusment while Stewart lectured Busch.  Kahne tried to catch Stewart, but ended up underneath him instead.  Kahne hit his head on the pavement and blacked out.

In the end, Kyle Busch, Kurt Busch, Wheeler, Lunders, Bryan, Hamlin,  Stewart, and Kahne all ended up at the emergency room.  Doctors found minor bruises on the Busch brothers, Lunders, Wheeler and Bryan; Stewart had nothing wrong with him, Kahne was fine given his Talladega injuries, and Hamlin had stitches. 

All parties agreed it would be less embarrassing if Hamlin were the only one who reported injuries.  Nascar is now considering banning wives, girlfriends, pets and HD TVs from the garage area. 

My Martinsville Musings

Originally Posted on Foxsports.com on April 3, 2006.

Ah, Martinsville.  The paperclip.  Two drag strips connected with two hairpin turns.  Whatever you call it, don't leave without eating a hotdog!  {Seriously, the teams nearly boycotted last year when the condiments and wrapper were changed. }   The race for the most part was uneventful - at least compared to last week at Bristol.  There were still some interesting storylines...

A crash on lap 2 took several cars out of contention for the win.  The groaning you heard across the country was due to the red #8 being involved.  By the end of the race, Junior had "crashed" again, managed to stay on the lead lap, work his way through traffic, and finish 4th after getting by Kyle Busch.  I don't know that there was much to salvage on the car when it hit the hauler - three of the four corners of the car were missing, based in, or dented and  half the brake fan system was gone.  Most impressive was that the team did not give up - which is a marked difference in attitude from last year at this time.

The lap 2 crash ended Robby Gordon's day.  Robby, one of few owner/drivers, was in the top 15 in points prior to the race, but due to the DNF is 27th in points.

Despite the multiple on track incidents throughout the race, there did not appear to be any Bristol pay-backs.  Jimmie Johnson commented on this after the race - his point was that if the media would quite playing it up, there would be more.  According to Johnson, no one will do it when they know the media is looking to pounce on it, so if they lay off, the paybacks will come.  An interesting theory to be sure.

The one feud that has started is Denny Hamlin vs. Mark Martin.  I'm not clear on what happened, but Hamlin expressed his displeasure with Martin due to two run-ins on the track - one at Las Vegas and one at Martinsville.  Martin has not commented at this point to my knowledge, and Hamlin acknowledged that he still respects Martin but whats to know why he has been singled out.  Knowing Martin, this will be a non-issue by Texas.

The Dodge teams continue to have some trouble with the Charger - their highest finisher was Scott Riggs in 10th.  The highest finishing rookie was Reed Sorenson in a Dodge (12th)

What happened to all the discussion of Roush Racing domination?  The highest finisher was McMurray in 9th, followed by Martin (13th), Edwards (16th), Kenseth (24th) and Biffle (31st).

Jeff Gordon has stalking at Martinsville down to a science.  He's won there 7 times  - and the last few has appeared out of nowhere at the end.  He likes to spice it up - this time he got a flat tire early in the race, which caused a caution.  Conspiracy theorists point out that while Gordon got a caution with no debris apparent on the track, a couple other spins, tire-blow outs and debris went unflagged during the race. 

Does anyone else think that Jeff Gordon's two teammates cut him a break on the final two laps when he slipped on the speedy dry?  I think if any other two cars had been right behind him, he would have been shown the wall.

For a guy edging toward retirement, Mark Martin is sure charging up the points standings - he's currently in 2nd behind Jimmie Johnson.

Since it was Martinsville, I wondered how quickly Stewart would mention the Hendrick Motorsports plane crash in his victory speech.  It was practically the first few words out of his mouth.  In Oct 2004, his pilot, Scott Lathram was on the plane, coming to Martinsville to see Stewart before Lathram left for Iraq.  Apparently Stewart hasn't forgotten him - and still has information on his website to make a donation to Lathram's Memorial Fund.

I don't know which is more fun - watching Tony Stewart climb the fence after he wins or watching him spray Jimmy Spencer with a Coke during the victory lane broadcast.

My vote for one of the coolest trophys anywhere is the Grandfather Clock given at Martinsville, although I'm fond of the "brick" trophy at Indy and the glass palm trees at Darlington.